Through this blog, I’ve realized that I hadn’t shared that I started a new career in September 2023. I am a case worker with a specialty in helping people navigate through and overcome the barriers that prevent them from becoming self sufficient and for them to not be reliant on government subsidies. In a nutshell that’s the goal: help others.
There are days where I am encouraging others, giving them the resources they need, reminding them to keep breathing, and I have heard some truly heartbreaking real life stories. Each day, I take that in and I try my hardest not to let it infiltrate my heart. The affected senior citizens and the children shred what is left of my heart.
In training, we learn to be curious but not judgmental. We also learned that we are one paycheck away from where most of these people are. So essentially don’t think yourself too far above anyone. Stay humble. As Mr. Rogers once said “look for the helpers, you will always find people helping”. I am a helper, indeed.
In all this time, one of the most surprising things to learn is generational welfare. Young people, in their late teens/twenties wanting subsidies because that’s how their own family survived, it’s what they know. Breaking that cycle of generation welfare is a challenge and we’re all up for it. We are making a difference.
For the caseworkers, it is also an overworked profession. I recall a prior colleague share with me as he walked out the door “watch it they will work you to death”. I never saw him again. I keep that in mind.
I first stopped drinking alcohol on November 14, 2023 and I stopped for 81 days. It was only after that time that I was able to get into the mindset to reflect on the impact drinking alcohol has had on my life.
I had read a book called Quit Drinking Like A Woman. It was well versed on the history of alcohol and Alcoholics Anonymous. What is also shared is that AA was not for everyone, which had me intrigued. Most interesting to me, was how alcohol affects every part of your body. It was all so unsettling.
I recall my last drink in 2023; I was with a friend, Penny (my drinking buddy) at a local restaurant. I told her my intentions and her comment to me is oh man you won’t be any fun. That did not make me feel good. At all.
Shortly thereafter at dinner with my mother and sister, I had advised both that I quit drinking. My mother’s comment was a loud ‘are you an alcoholic’, as if there could be no other reason that I’d chose not to drink. I was stunned, though I shouldn’t have been. My actions over the years made this comment rightfully accurate.
The whole dynamic made me feel weird so I stopped telling people that I didn’t drink. In reflection, I had come to the conclusion that I had drank consistently (& binged often) through my 20’s. 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. At the lovely age of 60 I had made a personal choice to clean up my act. Finally.
Why now though? Well, alcohol stopped serving me well. I didn’t enjoy it as I once had. I didn’t feel good the next day. I didn’t know who I was when I drank (though I am pretty sure people liked me better drinking- at least that’s what I told myself). There were so many innate reasons. Though subconsciously, I think I wanted to be a better person, a better wife, mother and Grammy.
My next drink came 81 days later. I limited myself to a maximum of 2 drinks in one day. I still enjoyed myself but did not over indulge. Camping was probably the toughest challenge to overcome. I always wanted to join in for a margarita, so I did. I did not overcome it, I gave in. I had the margarita. This time and every time afterward, I gave myself grace. If I wanted a drink I had one. I did not overindulge and for this I was proud of myself.
As they say, one day at a time and a little bit of grace here and there- that’s where I’m at. And it feels good.
It’s funny, the memories that come flooding back when you least expect it.
I’ve been struggling with my Mom for some time. I am worried about her living situation and her health at 82 years old. The memory that had me teary eyed was of me, a 14 year old sitting on the bathroom floor talking with my Mom while she sat on the toilet whilst smoking her Kool cigarettes. We would have good, hardy conversations this way. Why did I wait for her to be on the toilet to talk? I think it was because despite the mission she was on, I had her full attention. It’s not like she could or would get up and leave. It’s gross but true.
Isn’t that what we all long for? To be heard, to be seen and to be loved.
I long to be heard. And unfortunately, I rarely am. As a 14 year old, I thought the adults in my life were wise. Now, being an adult for a whole lotta years, I realize everyone was most likely winging it. Being a parent is hard, being a daughter is hard. And not to sound cavalier but you make due what you can, how you can, when you can. And despite my worry, and remembering memories of years past, I have to let go. It is life and we’re all winging it after all.
7 months later and I am still thankful for every day of my life. Every day is truly a gift.
I wake up everyday with a grateful heart. I am thankful for my family and friends, the doctors, the nurses. When I was at my worst during recovery, my husband, my Mom and my sister were there for me. I am so thankful for their love and tenderness. I owe it all to the prayer warriors and there were a lot of them. I owe it all to my savior, Jesus Christ, for without him, I would not be here. I certainly would be insane by now, no doubt.
Meditation has brought a mindfulness, reflection and peace to my always worried mind. I am still a work in progress but I am working toward more God, less me. I am working toward turning it all over to God at all times, not just in times of struggles. I am not the same person I was 7 months ago. And according to the surgeon I have the arteries of an 18 years old. Yeee Haw! Though I am growing by leaps and bounds in my faith, I am still immature at times and that’s ok.
I am ok. I am ok. I am ok.
And it’s ok if I am not ok. I will get through it all, the beat absolutely goes on……..
(The Beat Goes On post was inspired from a gift I received from JoAnn, my soul sister. She gave me a heart stake sign for my Zen garden and she noted “the beat goes on” and indeed it does. I am a lucky soul).
In May, as I complained to our family doctor about my husband’s supposed ailments, Dr. Knight decided to send both of us to a cardiologist to rule out any issues. He sent me due to family history and of course the unknown. My husband went first and comes back with no problems. I delayed my appointments because I didn’t think anything was wrong with me and I looked at it as an inconvenience.
My first appointment was the echo and stress test and though my blood pressure was high during the stress test, it was otherwise not too concerning. A week later I was sent for an ultrasound on my carotid arteries. Honestly, I had never even heard of these types of tests. The ultrasound process looks and feels very much like the old school sonogram I had when I was pregnant back in the day. The date was June 23rd, 2021. The technician and I chit chatted a bit but then she got to the business of checking the carotids. As I laid on the table, she looked at me and then she stared at the screen, and she said to me “I need to get the doctor” and she looked concerned. She promptly left the room. To get the cardiologist.
Dr. Tabrizchi comes into the room, looks at the screen and looks straight at me and says “today is your lucky day and that you have angel looking out for you”. I continue to lie there, confused asking myself what is happening? He said I have a blockage in both arteries but my left artery was considerable and need to be seen by a vascular surgeon right away. I didn’t even know what questions to ask. I was dumbfounded. What? Me? I was feeling all kinds of things and nothing at all at the same time.
He gets on his cell phone and calls the vascular surgeon friend at UMD. He talks to him on his phone & they decide I’ll be seen at his office the next day. Before I get up from the table, I have a voicemail from said doctor’s office asking me to call to schedule an appointment the next day. I am like what? What is happening? I left the cardiologist office and I am numb. I literally feel like I am having an out of body experience.
I called the office and made the appointment @UMD. I call my soul sister Grace & she agrees to take me to the appointment into the city, the next day. At this point, I am starting to pray it is nothing serious. Meanwhile, my other soul sister (Jo) just happens to be in town and she joins us too.
I met Dr. Sarkar on June 24, 2021. He came across as personable, warm and funny. At the same time, he educated all of us and laid down the options for my carotid problem and it pointed to surgery (carotid endarterectomy). I liked that he came physically close to me to comfort. My thoughts on whatever he was saying was what, how, why. He said there are ranges of blockages and my left carotid was the worst of the two. He said 99% and I am pretty sure I mentally, emotionally, and physically shut down at that point. I asked few questions as I sat there half numb and half tuning him out. I was in shock. Fortunately, Grace & Jo asked questions. All I could think is that I was going to die.
There were 20 days between that visit and the surgery date. They were, for me, the most agonizing. I felt like a ticking time bomb. I refused to leave the house alone and the ‘end of life’ fear consumed me. I started writing letters to loved ones. The following Saturday, I broke down– not a why me but why did I have to find out- I didn’t really want to know. Leonard held me as I cried out. As Leonard held me, he said thank God you found out, they’re gonna fix it. Though my head said yes it will be fixed, my heart said I am going to die.
About a week before surgery, I left the house for the first time alone and I tried to stay optimistic. I prayed a lot. I learned that I was ‘all great’ if I was in charge and I could help & pray for others, but the thought of asking for love, prayers and help for myself was a really, really hard thing for me to do. And then I did ask for help, for prayers. I truly thought I was going to die. I had done the research, I read a lot about the procedure. Heck I didn’t think I’d survive the anesthesia and I knew what could happen.
During pre op testing, my family doctor prescribed Xanax as a way to help me sleep. The day before surgery, I took the Xanax for the first time and I had a dream about my Dad. My Dad has been gone for 12 years and I didn’t ever dream of him before. In that dream, my Dad handed me a carton of a dozen brown eggs. I don’t usually remember dreams or recall colors but this was clear. My Dad said “I love you honey”. While still dreaming, I said out loud, I love you too Dad and I woke up. Later that afternoon, a dear friend showed up at my home with dinner. And a dozen brown eggs (as my friend handed them to me, she said, I didn’t know if you needed eggs but something told me to go into the house & grab a dozen….) At that moment, I felt at peace and that I was going to be ok. Go ahead, look up that dream meaning.
I was the first procedure @7:15 am for Dr. Sarkar @UMD on July 14th. At this point, I had a lot of prayer warriors and personally, I had turned my anxieties (which were through the roof) and worries over to God. I was ready to get on with it. General anesthesia and intubation is scary and I prayed for wisdom & strength for all the medical professionals caring for me in my time of need. I went in around 7:15 am and the surgery ended around noon.
I woke up shortly after to headaches & nausea. The headaches are something that can happen with this surgery so I knew that. The nausea was an unwanted surprise. I stayed in the PACU (Post Anesthesia Care Unit) for the entire visit @UMD. I was told there were no rooms available in the hospital. My blood pressure was out of whack and I had to listen to the busyness of the floor as people to the left and right of me came out of surgery, woke up and vomited. I needed peace & quiet. My care on that floor, in light of the madness, was top notch. It was expected that I would leave the next day. I learned that my surgery was success and the artery was indeed blocked (plague). As the surgeon said to me, “we had no idea how any blood was getting through”. I felt immense gratefulness for this surgery.
I went home to recover and to schedule the next surgery for 6 weeks later. And the beat goes on……
My first friends are my sisters and cousins. I was once an U.S. Army wife, so I have friends from the time.
I am a ‘go with the flow’ with kind of friend. I am up for new adventures. I have friends I have not seen in years but when we get together, it is like no time has passed.
I am still in contact with some high school friends thanks to Facebook. I have many more friends that came to be from a former workplace. I have friends made in adulthood at different stages of my life.
I worked at a financial institution and I have many friends from that stage of my life, and now friends from a non-profit where I am now employed.
I am grateful for every friend I have or have had. They have all taught me something about myself that I don’t see how I could have learned elsewhere. Some wanted to ‘fix me’, some wanted to have a ‘good time’ and some I geniunely wondered, ‘how are we friends’.
The pandemic of 2020 tested the foundations of all my friendships. If not for Facebook/IG I probably wouldn’t know what’s going on. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to be disappointed in my friends. I received no phone calls, no texts, no cards, no checking up. The phone works both ways and I know should reached out as well. I mailed encouraging/funny greeting cards and for all I know- none of them were received. I learned not to do something to expect anything in return. That was an important lesson for me.
So I wondered what makes a geniune friend? In my opinion, a collection of women and that we are there for one another, all the time, through the good, the bad and ugly makes a good friend.
This year I am working on nourishing the friendships I have. My goal is to lift one another up and simply, be there.
This time, last year I was a confused mess. I was a week & a half into working at home on a make shift desk for which I had not much room to work. I had had a car accident whereas I totaled my car and I was experiencing pain & anxiety from the accident.
I needed care for my injuries but my family doctor does not see accident victims despite being his long-time patient. The accident process is whole nother thing that I’ll post about later.
I have not worn makeup, a work watch or any jewelry for a year now. When I wanted to wear makeup recently I had to really think about what I supposed to do. I still ended up using my eye brow brush as mascara. Duh!
I am in a Rooted class at our local church, where I’ll find my purpose and my place in the church. I’ve been reflecting on my life lately. I feel different. I can’t quite explain it, but I feel different.
But now, I have literal “off” days. Not that my days are perfection, but I get in this mood where I am angry, bitter and resentful. And then I get over it. I pause before I lash out because I will lash out at whoever is near. I am still working through why this is happening.
So, in a few words, I am not the same person I was a year ago. Is this a good thing? Probably. It’s boring to plant myself as a tree and not move.
Now onto a new venture…getting serious about writing stories.
To journey without being changed is to be a nomad. To change without journeying is to be a chameleon. To journey and be transformed by the journey is to be a pilgrim.
The year 2020 was that year. Literally life as I knew it stopped. And I had no idea what to do with myself. I truly wished I could have appreciated all the changes while it happened. Unfortunately I was filled with doubt, fear and dread of the coming days, weeks, months (thanks to the media!).
In my opinion, the only bright spot was becoming a first time Grammy. So there’s that.
So with all that said, 2021 will be my slow down, get my spiritual vibe on and move forward. Yes this will be that year. My brain is on sabbatical of the wayward visions of this crazy and insane time. I am focusing on my spiritual morals. What do I believe? Do I believe it enough to stand up and defend my beliefs?
Since at least 2010, I’ve always had faith on my side. No matter what, I’ve prayed, I’ve believed that Jesus was right there by my side. “God is bigger than any problem I have” is a recent mantra I’ve adopted.
And well, yeah I would much prefer to be on sabbatical at the beach. Me, my brain and a margarita. My soul living at the beach is a pipe dream, but still a dream nonetheless. I find great comfort and peace with each crashing wave. Look out beach, I am coming for you!
Many people don’t like the year 2020. I do agree it’s different, for sure. But me, I loved 2020 because it felt like the world slowed down. I also realized how important it was to re-connect with my husband and find time for me. Funny thing is I worked all through the pandemic. Though we’re empty nesters, we still get busy with whatever is happening and we forget to look out for one another.
For us, though we became grandparents in 2020. This trumps (no pun intended) everything. Our son & daughter in law have a beautiful baby boy named Jackson Forrest, who arrived October 30th @1:02 am. He was 19 1/2 in, 5 lbs 12 oz. He is gorgeous!! Yes I am bias but as the resident Grammy I can be.
He’s a week old now. I’ve held him twice and I’ve read to him once whereas he promptly fell asleep on me. I look forward to all the coming memories with this boy!
My boss asked me to provide a presentation about mindful breathing for the “It’s All About Me” Women’s Health Event. My boss thought I could do this because a) I said I could b) I am a certified Yoga Teacher and did learn mindful breathing.
Immediately the nervousness and self-doubt start shortly after accepting this task. I can’t do this, it won’t be perfect. I’m not good enough. I’ve mediated 141 total days and 94 consecutive days for 3,600 minutes.
So once I pushed myself beyond the negative self talk and I am still not entirely sure how I did that. But I did it. I came up with a plan. And my boss loved it.
What was weird to me, is that once I had a plan, I wasn’t nervous about it. Though it was virtual (which has its own challenges), I felt good enough. I was on cloud nine literally. I was proud of myself.
Note to self: when there’s something you really want to do, you will find a way to do it.
Life Or Something Like It 