(Originally published 01/28/2012)

Approximately 9+ years ago, my sisters and I got together to do what we thought would be ‘good thing’ for my parents for Valentine’s Day. We decided that we would clean up our parent’s home and organize it a bit. Dad had suffered a stroke and Mom was caring for Dad a lot, we thought it would help.  Little did we know that Mom had no intention of parting with anything in the home, including magazines from the early 90’s and damaged items. That day, what we saw was a different side of our mother, that for me, terrified me and still haunts me today.

The woman I had cherished, respected and loved no longer existed on that day. And my relationship with my mother continues to decline every day. After the Valentine’s Day incident, my mother said she disowned me and did not speak to me for 6+ months; all because I wanted her to live in a clean, safe home.

At that point, I went to the internet to seek help to find out why she would be like that with her stuff. There was not much information back then. My sisters and I talked about it, emailed about it and just tried to determine what we could do. There was nothing. And then Oprah came along with a show about hoarding and the floodgates opened. I told my Mom I was going to have Oprah’s experts come in and help and she told me she would never speak to me again. We even considered therapy–but Mom would not go.

Fast forward many years and the home continued to swell. It was a 2500 sq ft home with 6000 sq foot of stuff in it. My family & I stopped visiting altogether. The only person it hurt was me though as my mother did not want visitors. There was no place to sit nor to cook or eat a meal.

Dad was too ashamed to have visitors. My Dad was a social person….that is when you saw his personality the most…when he was around others. He never knew a stranger–he could talk to anyone. I truly believe that the stroke and hoarding was the beginning of the end for my father. It is also why when he died in his bed, why they had to remove him through his bedroom window instead of through the front door. The medics could not get the gurney through the house due to the hoarding. You would think that would wake a person up to their hoarding habits, but it didn’t.

The divorce. My sister and her husband are going through a bitter divorce. They lived next door to my parents. Because my sister no longer lives next door, she talks Mom into selling her home and moving into something smaller. This really is a great plan that we all loved. Except Mom wanted to take her 6000 sq ft of stuff with her. She found an 817 sq ft home and started packing. Unfortunately, she packed junk & trash too. Now some stuff did make it to the trash—but not easily. 1 Pod and 6 storage units later….my mother has an 817 sq ft home packed to the gills of items not needed to live. And now she wants a shed built just to store her Christmas items. Unbelievable. She needs help. I feel like I am watching an alcoholic drink themselves to death. I just watch and wait. To fix a problem, don’t you have to get to the root of why it is a problem so you will stop?  No one wants to help her because she won’t help herself. I feel helpless. I pray for her. Pray. Pray. Pray.

(Originally published 12/18/2011)

It just dawned on me the other day that we have had a death in our family every year since 2009 when my father died.

Keith Thomas died in 2010.

Debbie Oldland passed in 2011.

No wonder I get so depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy, healthy and humbled. But the death of a loved one brings me down. Death can be a relief. It can be a shock and sometimes it can be expected. But it does not make it any easier to accept it and to move forward. Our family continues to get smaller year by year. People hurt. Is this what we have to look forward to? Anticipating the next death? Sheesh, I hope not.  Each and every person that has died was a significant human being and in my life for a reason. They each made a difference. Whether they realized that is subjective. There are those still grieving families and friends left behind to look at another empty chair at the dinner table. Another robust giggle to miss and all the memories. Those memories are especially vivid @Christmastime. I want each and every person back on earth for just one more day. What would you do with one more day?

(Originally published 12/11/2011)

December 12th marks my one year since my baptism and practically turning my life over to God. It has been a year marked by highs and lows (see prior post). I have to say that without a doubt my faith has carried me through the highs and lows and even the mediocracy. The stressors: I’ve been re-assigned at work. Important people and my dog have gone to heaven. My husband nearly managing to join them in heaven. In retrospect though, it’s all been good only by the grace of God. Even through the emotional changes at work, at home and in life in general–HE has carried me through.

If it’s this good–WHY doesn’t everyone trust in God and turn over their problems to God? I don’t have an answer but I will continue to be joyful in my relationship with Him and hopefully, possibly and just maybe–THEY will see the changes in me. And they too will want to know HIM.

God Bless Each and Every one of You.

(Originally published 12/11/2011)

2011 has been an up & down year. It started with a Vegas trip to see Jo Ann and we surprised her by bringing her sister, Grace, who by the way does not travel often. It was a fun trip full of a lot of laughter. One the greatest joys I have in my life are hanging out with Grace and or Jo Ann. They make me laugh and I am pretty certain they laugh at me often (hence the Old Bay incident). It was a great trip!

In March, I purchased my very own Harley Davidson motorcycle. It is an 883 Super Low. Leonard surprised me with extra luxuries loaded on the bike. I was and am so excited to have it. It was my reward for paying off my 2006 Ford Five Hundred.

After my family, friends, and pictures…it is one of my most prized possession.

Fast forward to May and it was time to end our dog, Blackie’s suffering. It was a tough decision but a necessary one. We buried him @ the Cline farm. R.I.P. Blackie. We still miss you 6+ months later.

In June, I surprised our mutual friend Lisa with a visit bringing our friend Robin. It was a great trip! I recall great shopping, tantalizing cupcakes, and a tick-infested hike. But all in all, it was a fantastic trip that concluded with a trip to Martha’s Vineyard. It was beautiful! Love Lisa & Robin. They have been my saving grace!

In August, the family was dealt a sad blow with the sudden death of Alex Elste. Alex lived with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. And oh how he lived. He was in Boy Scouts and he met dignitaries throughout his life….he traveled and he loved. He had loyal friends and an amazing family that cared for him on a daily basis. I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love for him and his family at his service. R.I.P. Alex Elste.

 

In October, me, Ally & Bri finally jumped out of a perfectly good airplane. From the moment that it was thought to yes, we are going to do this to actually doing it spanned several weeks of bad weather and lots of patience. Finally on October 8th–we did it. We have pictures for proof! We all loved it!! It was an amazing experience!!

Near the end of October, me, Leonard & Daniel prepared for our annual trip to West Virginia that was apparently not meant to be. Instead, Leonard was involved in a motorcycle accident on October 20th & airlifted to University of MD shock trauma. It was a shock and Leonard suffered much trauma. Leonard spent a week there with Daniel & I taking turns staying with him overnight. He suffered 10 broke ribs, cracked vertebrae, and some optical nerve damage. But all in all, 6 weeks later he is making his way back to work. God was his first responder and I truly believe it was not yet his time to leave this earth. Thank you, God.

In December, our family was devastated to lose our little Debbie (as she was known). She has been ill for quite some time and her fight was finally over. She is at peace. I know she is no longer in pain, nor is she fighting and I know she has the peace she wanted, but damn, my heart aches for her return. I miss you, Deb. I miss our talks, our wine drinking days and your smile. The angels truly sang with her arrival in heaven, no doubt. R.I.P. Deb. I love you.

(Originally published 05/09/2010)

My mother in law has been in heaven since October 2005. My Dad joined her in November 2009. I miss them both so much. I feel lost without them, I really do. I am now in the stage of going through the firsts for the first year of my Dad being gone. It’s tough. His birthday was April 26th and I fondly recalled the many happy memories.  Some memories are recent and not very good….seeing him unhealthy, sad and in pain.

That is not how I wish to remember him but that is how I last saw him. Comparing the two deaths of my mother in law & my Dad, what I recall was that both of them expressed a desire to live. Neither wanted to die. I always wish I had spent more time with them. Today, I know that every moment of every day they are both with me, guiding me, helping me and continue to love me spiritually. It doesn’t make the hurt go away, but it certainly brings me a level of peace. I love you, Daddy. I miss you horribly.

(Originally published 04/03/2010)

This month marks a year ago that I took the Motorcycle Safety Course at the college. It was on a whim that I signed up in November 2008 for the class- I just decided to do it. My life has changed in ways I never expected since I challenged myself to learn something new.  My husband had been riding for a few years and I enjoyed being a passenger. I took a women’s only class in hopes of less intimidation. I easily passed the written test. Some aspects of the riding course were difficult. In the end, after 4 days, I did not pass the riding test. I was devastated and I cried all the way home.

The great news is that I can re-test. I ended up re-testing nearly 6 weeks later. My husband found and bought a 2005 Honda Rebel on Craigslist. We went to Elizabethtown, PA to get my bike. We met the sellers, bought it and brought it home in the pouring rain in the back of the truck. The next day I practiced on the bike. My husband would go to the local school parking lot to show me and critique my figure 8’s, quick stop, start, and turns. Every day I hopped on the bike and rode around the neighborhood.

I stopped, started, turned, shifted gears etc. I fell in love with riding. I crashed a couple of times–but I got right back on. I know that I made both my husband and son incredibly nervous while I was out riding. Every day after work and weekends I practiced and as they say, practice makes perfect. In June, I went to re-test and passed and I was beyond excited! Next up, I went to MVA to get my license as soon as I could. I was amazed at myself–there is just no other way to say it…I was! Every ride is better than the last and I am in love with riding. I know my limits and I can tell when I am getting tired and it’s time to take a break. So this time of year really brings great memories and now I know why a dog sticks its’ head out the windows…..there is nothing like it!

 

(Originally published 03/21/2010)

January & February 2010 brought lots of snow and a blizzard or two. Pictures tell the story. It was cold, the state was shut down a few times. Lots of lovey time with my hubby! All I can say is I’d be pregnant now if we hadn’t taken care of that. LOL

(Originally published 03/21/2010)

Well, it has been a while since I blogged. My whole reasoning for blogging is therapeutic.

And it doesn’t hurt that maybe someone else is going through what I am going through. If I can survive it so can you. I am planning to blog more, but first, let me bring you up to date!

 

February – My son Daniel turned 18. That was the single most important day of the month. We had an intimate dinner with our family & closest friends @ Lee Hunan’s in Aberdeen. It was a great time!

April – In late April, I took the Motorcycle Safety Foundation’s Course @ Harford Community College. Once I completed the course, I passed the written test however I did not pass the course test whereas I drove a motorcycle through various endeavors. Once you fail, you do get a chance to redeem yourself and try again, which I did. I had 6 weeks to do so. My hubby bought me a 2005 Honda Rebel 250cc. It is literally the same bike I learned on in the class. What I remember after failing the riding portion of the class, is that I cried. I really wanted to pass and I really wanted to ride. I fell in love with riding during the course.

So, I practiced. I got my learner’s permit and every day after work, I hopped on my bike and rode around the neighborhood. I practiced starting, braking, clutch control, etc.

My hubby Leonard took me to the middle school to practice my figure ‘8’, stopping suddenly and general critique of my skills. So I practiced into May until my test date.

May – Practice, practice, practice is about all I can remember from this month. I also was preparing for my son’s high school graduation in June.

June – June brought a huge family and friends get together at our home to celebrate Daniel’s graduation. We had the party the weekend before his graduation. We had a lot of fun and it was so great to see everyone. Graduation was an emotional but proud moment. During this month, my father’s health was starting to fail and he was incredibly weak. He did not attend the graduation party or the graduation due to his health.

After graduation, it was time for Senior Week @ the beach. It was an unnerving week as Daniel & his friends were kicked out of their room after the second day. He survived and we did too. I am sure I am grayer because of the week though.

June is also the month that I went for and got my motorcycle license. All the practice paid off as I zoomed around the test course and passed with lots of compliments from my instructors. They were genuinely proud of me. I was proud of me. It was a great moment and I can still remember the day that I could leave the neighborhood on the bike and venture out with the other traffic-which was exciting and scary all at once!

July – August – September – I recall riding my bike a lot alone. I just want to get the feel of the bike and enjoy the ride –which I did. I was seriously hooked! I love riding. In August, we went dirt biking and 4wheeling in Altoona, PA. I went over a mountain unintentionally and decided that I was giving up on 4wheeling. Daniel started class at Harford Community College in September. We also said goodbye to some of his fellow classmates heading off to college.

October – As a family, we went to Hatfield McCoy trails in West Virginia. We went with a bunch of friends and had a great time. The trails were crazy and the place we stayed at was amazing!

I also decided at that time that I am definitely selling my 4wheeler. It just was not fun for me anymore.

November – I flew solo to Cape Cod in November to see my friend Lisa and her family. It was a great time and a beautiful area. It was cold though. The next trip and there will be one, will be when it is warmer. In the short time, I was there –we saw quite a bit and got lots of pictures. Her family is amazing though Taylor is quite competitive in the game department.

I was home for a couple of days when my Dad passed away. It was unexpected and sudden. He had just recently gotten home from rehabilitation for about a week –so we thought he was doing better, but that was not to be. I know that he wanted to be home and he was. Honestly, my Dad was never going to get better unless he had heart surgery and he didn’t want to do that. So really, it was a matter of time. He died a year nearly to the day that one of his heart doctors said he would. My Dad knew he had a year and I believe he knew it all along. I was incredibly sad this month. I walked around in a daze a lot. I rode one time that month and I hung up the bike keys until winter was over. The holidays were upon us and I could have cared less. I just could not wait for the year to be over. I miss my Dad

December – I remember shopping for Christmas but my heart not being in it. I had the family at our home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love having everyone together–though it brings a lot of drama. I just wanted the year to be over & eventually, it was.

(Originally published 03/20/2010)

I am sad to report that since my last update which was a long time ago, my father,
William Forrest Cornell passed away on November 12, 2009. He wanted to be home which is where he was when he died. In my very first blog posting, I talk about family secrets and my wanting to know who my father is/was.

I know who my father is/was. He is the man that raised me to be the woman I am today.
I had the greatest father on earth. I wish to continue to honor him as my father. I don’t know many men who could assume the fatherhood duties of a 5-year-old and raise the child as their own, with seemingly no problems. I never, ever felt that I wasn’t ‘his’. And that my dear is a huge accomplishment and something that makes me terribly proud. I am sure I was a brat at times, but my mother was the disciplinarian and my father was the comforter. I am a blessed woman for having him in my life as my father. I wish to continue to honor his memory and take comfort in the memories of our lives. R.I.P. Dad. I love & miss you!

 

(Originally published 04/19/2009)

I was blessed with an extraordinary mother in law. I say blessed because not many people can say that. I liked her, I loved her. I trusted her. She became in a sense, a second mother to me. She was an all around fun person to be around.

Sadly my beloved mother in law passed away from cancer in 2005. Of all the things I miss about her, I would have to say picking up the phone and talking to her about anything which included my battles with my own mother, asking for recipes or how to cook something or helping me make good decisions about my son, her grandson.